A few weeks ago, I laid in bed thinking about life in silence and in the dark.
With a Mexican gal named Jovi laying next to me trying to sleep herself.
In the moment, a thousand thoughts crossed my mind.
The extremely strange realization that I’m growing the fuck up.
With memories of playing with my sister and going to elementary school.
In contrast to the realization of the moment that Jovi is pregnant.
But 999 other thoughts crossed my mind as well.
Contemplating the statistical possibility that I could’ve even gotten her pregnant.
To feeling a strange distrust about her regarding if she is lying to me or not.
And thoughts to myself about how to move forward in life if it happens to be mine.
Consequently, I got up from the bed.
Made myself a drink of brandy and tea.
And sat down in the living room downstairs because I couldn’t sleep well.
Over the hours of working, the thoughts continued.
And, out of nowhere, a rat appeared running towards the fridge.
Something that was a surprise to me in the moment.
“This place has rats?”
How much shittier could this place be than I thought previously?
With the brandy next to me, there was that realization even stronger that I need to get my shit together.
If this kid is mine, I can’t tolerate living in places that have rats.
And I need to get the drinking under control.
It was something my dad indirectly to me months ago.
I doubt he knows about it since we rarely talk but he, for some reason, felt the need to warn about it.
Just casually mentioning all of the alcoholics in the family and how it should be something I should give consideration to.
With the realization now that Jovi might be pregnant with my kid, the consideration seemed more relevant.
And, despite the latest news, it still is.
The Latest News
Just last night, I got talking with my sister about it.
She put it at a 5% probability that the kid is mine.
A friend of mine named Gino put it at 35%.
I’m a romantic man.
I put it at 51% as I wrote here.
Their reasoning though?
Same as mine.
That, given the high dosage of TRT I take, that I realistically shouldn’t be able to get a chick pregnant on it.
On top of that, the timing of her pregnancy according to the pregnancy test is off with when we had sex.
And there’s just behavior on her end that is suspicious for a woman who thinks that I am the father.
In which she half-jokingly (tested the waters?) about “coming to America” after realizing it’s mine.
To her saying that “the kid will grow up without a dad” on the night before I went downstairs after I told her that “I’ll support it only if it’s proven to be mine.”
And also her seemingly lack of concern about living together (which, to be fair, I didn’t want to either) and her seemingly lack of concern for any medical tests.
However, the question about why she has taken her time to get an ultrasound and other medical visits with the doctor has been answered.
While talking with my sister, I decided to text Jovi a few questions.
Has she done any medical visits yet?
Is she still thinking on keeping it or an abortion?
And how is she feeling in general since we last spoke basically?
What did she say?
Here’s the conversation.
So she has plans – Friday (November 5, 2021) is abortion pill day.
We’ll see each other tomorrow.
My internal response to this latest development is the same as when she told me she was pregnant as you can see here.
“Interesting.”
How do I feel about this?
Let’s break it down thought by thought with the potential negatives first before going into the positives.
Was the Kid Even Mine?
Last week, I was going to get a sperm test to see how potent I am with the TRT.
After learning that she is pregnant, I spent a day casually reading medical research on the relationship between TRT and fertility.
And all of it strongly suggests that almost all men who are on it are unlikely to get someone pregnant.
On top of that, I considered the other concerns I had.
Like her saying that she hasn’t slept with other dudes but I saw a text of hers from some dude talking about a threesome.
Among other concerns mentioned before.
In short, I’ve had doubts it was mine.
But, if she’s getting an abortion, then does it even matter?
Well, it still does to me kinda.
Even though we don’t love each other and weren’t in any formal relationship (just fuck buddies), there’s still a part of me that is genuinely curious on if I could’ve gotten her pregnant.
So while I never got around to the sperm test last week, I’ll definitely be getting it in the next week or two.
And for the 1 individual who googles “how to get a sperm test in Mexico City” once a month, I’ll probably have an article for you ready by then.
I’m sure that’ll spike my website traffic to insane levels.
Or be the only gringo whose ever written a review on getting a sperm test in Mexico City.
Whichever of the two – we’ll see.
Anyway, there’s a part of me that wants to know.
Is there an alternative universe where it is mine and Jovi keeps it?
Was Jovi Trying to Play Me?
If the sperm tests proves that the TRT worked as a contraceptive, then I have other questions.
Did Jovi try to play me?
When talking with my sister, that’s what she suspects.
Her theory that Jovi purposefully got pregnant to get money or access to living in the US.
Personally, I doubt the money theory.
On my last birthday with her when I would’ve theoretically got her pregnant as you can read here, she spent like 40 to 50 bucks on me total.
Doesn’t sound like much but that’s an alright sum of cash for a young Mexican in her 20s.
And she never demanded that I spent money on her in any other occasion.
So if she was trying to get money, she sure has done a piss poor job out of it.
When you sum up all of the experiences we’ve had together, she’s actually spent more money on me than I’ve spent on her.
So she sucks massive ass dick if her goal was to get money.
But, as I said, she never had the vibe of a woman looking for money.
American citizenship?
Maybe.
Personally, I kinda hate the idea of "every Latino wants to move to America" because so many Americans think this way jerking themselves off to the idea of "OH YES YES EVERYONE WANTS TO BE LIKE US!!! EVERYONE!!"
When that's not fucking true.
Still, there's some reason to suspect this with Jovi.
She did half-jokingly talk about “coming to America” on the night of when we found out she is pregnant.
However, I think she was just testing the waters on that idea.
When we talked about her being pregnant and where to raise the kid, she did say that she had preference for Mexico City.
But maybe she had an open mind to the US also.
My theory is this anyhow…
Assuming the upcoming sperm test shows me being potent on TRT (very statistically unlikely), then I’ll assume it was always mine given that I did cum inside her on this bed here.
She specifically was in doggy style for those curious!
However, if the sperm tests shows that I’m not potent on TRT, then my assumption will be that she was fucking around with various men, got pregnant and tried to stick it on me as her best option for supporting a kid financially.
And being honest with you?
Given all that I’ve thought about…
Her having threesomes with other dudes in this time (and, knowing her personally, how she has a shit ton of men on her phone hitting her up).
All the studies showing men on TRT not being potent until they get off TRT (and how I’ve taken it for a year now).
The timing of her pregnancy being a few weeks later than when we had sex.
Her suspicious behavior in general.
And anything else..
I’m more inclined to believe that it wasn’t mine and she was looking for the best sponsor for the kid.
And, upon realizing that I was serious about wanting a DNA test before I’ll ever put my name on the birth certificate, she made the call to abort.
However, I’m still getting the sperm test because I know it’ll always be a question in my head as to the statistical probability of it being mine.
Even with her aborting, I’d still like to know if this could’ve possibly be mine or if she was playing.
Though I lean towards the latter, a sperm test would really be the final nail in the coffin as to helping me finish any pondering about this topic.
But what else is there to say?
Ethics of Abortion
Being honest, this is the other negative thought I’ve had about this.
If she gets the abortion done this Friday, then she’ll be five weeks in.
The questions I have is this – is the thing inside her living and is it mine?
If it’s not mine (statistically unlikely), then I don’t give a shit if she gets an abortion or not.
If it is mine, then I do care as to if it’s living or not.
I’m not a fetus expert.
I don’t have any strong opinion on abortion if I’m being honest.
However, this last day has made me a Google Armchair expert.
According to what I read on Google, the thing inside her does have some minor development at this stage but is the size of an apple seed or some shit?
And doesn’t have consciousness as apparently that comes by around week 24 to 28 according to this source here.
So while it’s difficult to determine when exactly life begins, that does make me feel better.
For me, life doesn’t exist without consciousness.
Otherwise, you’re basically a pencil.
Is a pencil conscious?
No.
If you snap a pencil in half and shove it up a prostitute’s asshole, the pencil isn’t going to say to you “oye cabroncitoo, NO! NO!”
The pencil is a submissive bitch.
No consciousness to demand better treatment.
Same with anything else that doesn’t have a consciousness.
But, as I said, there’s various ways of determining when life begins.
Based on all of the scientific arguments out there, it seems like the fetus isn’t alive at 5 weeks.
So, if that’s the case, then none of this matters anyhow.
And, if the kid isn’t mine, then as I said, I don’t care really if she aborts or not.
As I said, I’ve had strong doubts about that.
Still, overall I feel good about this part of the internal discussion I’ve had with myself about this.
And there’s other considerations to take into account.
No Anchor Baby
I half-jokingly said to my sister various times that “if this baby is mine, then at least I got an anchor baby.”
Meaning I got a kid who can give me official residency and a path to citizenship in Mexico without having to go through the other processes to get it.
Sounded kinda exciting on that front.
And, being honest, I was serious about it.
If the kid is mine, having residency through it would be cool.
At any rate, I guess the idea is thrown out the window.
Thoughts on Cumming Inside
If the sperm test mentioned shows me as not being potent on TRT, then I don’t that I’ll have as many reservations about cumming inside more Latinas.
But this experience has made me reflect on that.
After all, couldn’t cumming on her face or tits be as exciting?
Well, there is a certain intimacy of cumming inside a woman’s pussy without a condom.
It’s almost like a ownership thing.
“Yeah, btich, you’re my property now. I came inside your pussy. Fucking slut ass bitch.”
And some of those words I did say to Jovi a few times.
“Tu culo ya es propiedad de los gringos, baby.”
Among the racial fetishization of it all also of giving “the White Man’s Seed” to a brown Latina.
Makes me feel like Cristobal Colon.
I dig it.
Still, once a man cums, the mental fog goes away for a second.
And reality kicks in.
Reality is separate from sexual fetishes.
And the realization that she could potentially be having my kid did hit me in the face with a reality that I need to grow the fuck up and get my shit in order.
That, if it is my kid, I need to be better prepared to work with her to raise it and quit the drinking.
Suffice to say, this experience has made me a tiny bit more hesitant to cum inside a random Tinder chick’s pussy and not, uh, her face or tits or something.
But, as I write this, it still does sound pretty fucking hot to “breed a brown Latina” with “the White Man’s seed.”
Still, going forward, I might go back to being more cautious with who I cum inside of.
I used to be such a good boy!
Did such a great job, you know?
Of always pulling out.
But Jovi did something to me.
She played my racial fetishes well with her moaning “dame hijos blancos.”
And GOD DAMN.
When a Latina says to you “dame hijos blancos,” it’s HARD to pull out!
But, going forward, I’ll try to put in more of an effort to pulling out.
No condoms though.
Can’t stand those.
But pulling out will be something to be conscious of again.
Until the next Latina says “dame hijos blancos.”
God fucking damn it.
But I will try to pull out!
As this experience has been such a mindfuck that, as of now, the idea of pulling out does have some appeal.
Especially as the idea of having a kid with someone who I don’t know beyond what her favorite sex positions are (doggy position) is a little bit scary.
Relief
As I implied in the last sentence, there is a lot of relief on my end that I won’t have a future with her.
No offense to her but the idea of having to share a life with her was concerning to me.
Especially as we literally do not know each other beyond our sexual fetishes and what we like to drink.
She prefers doggy style and tequila.
I prefer her in doggy style and vodka.
Or brandy.
Or whiskey.
Or rum.
Any of the above works.
And I know she likes exhibitionism (where I’d fuck her and she’d want pictures of me fucking her to send to other dudes to make fun of them).
While I have always had a strong race fetishism as you can tell.
Plus, as I wrote here, I do enjoy making Mexicans into “cucks” by fucking “their women.”
Outside of that?
We really don’t know each other.
I know she’s from Puebla and is an accountant.
She knows I’m from the US (though she doesn’t know from where in the country) and that I make money from affiliate marketing.
I know she has a sister.
Her dad died.
That’s it?
We don’t know anything more about each other.
On top of that, if I’m being honest, she almost feels like another woman I’ve known named Lizeth from Bolivia as you can read about here.
A woman who is great to fuck but who isn’t great for conversation.
She’s not THAT DUMB as Lizeth was.
But it’s true – our conversations have always been “light.”
You get it, yet?
We just don’t know each other.
We know how we look naked, what we like to drink and everything to do with sex.
But nothing about each other.
Even when I found out she was pregnant, I had some difficulty in getting her to open up about herself.
As I wrote here, her way of “opening up” about herself involved a story of her going to swinger events with an ex-boyfriend.
Like that wasn’t what I was asking about at all.
I didn’t give a fuck about that.
So, in short, there’s a HUGE relief on my end that she won’t be the one to be connected to my life with a kid.
Because, for me, the idea of trying to raise a kid with her was SUCH a black hole as I had no idea how we’d work together since we had nothing else in common beyond enjoying each other sexually.
And that extends to the concerns I’d have about raising a kid with her.
Concerns of Raising a Kid Together
Given we had nothing in common together as I just said, I was worried about this potential kid.
Assuming it was mine, my other concern was not fucking this up.
As I wrote here, I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror if I had a kid and it grew up to be a fucked up person.
With issues of a broken family or shit.
And given our lack of connections together and knowing what Jovi is like, I started to have serious considerations that she wouldn’t be a good mother.
What would it be like for a kid with two parents living separately and where it lives with the mom that has a new guy over every so often?
And a dad it only sees whenever the courts allowed?
The answer is obvious.
So, to me, I had serious doubts about her raising the kid.
And a lot of relief knowing that, assuming the kid is mine, that she won’t be bringing it into this world with the possibility of my concerns becoming reality.
Among other realizations I’ve had over the last month.
The Realization to Get My Shit Together
As I wrote here, it doesn’t matter how much money I have necessarily.
I always tend to lean towards living in cheaper places in Mexico City.
Or anywhere really.
It just makes me "feel" safer knowing that my expenses are always so low that, even if my income was to drop dead right now, I wouldn't have to worry about the bills.
But, with the night of me contemplating a future raising a kid that could be mine and seeing a rat downstairs, it made me realize even more that I need to do better.
If this kid was to be born and be mine, I would need to find a better place to raise it.
But, much more importantly, I need to cut back on the booze.
It’s something that I’ve said to myself and on this blog over a year now.
Still so easy to pass the concern along onto the next month.
But with the realization that a kid could be coming, there came the stronger hit to the face that I need to get my shit together.
I’ve stopped for a tiny bit.
Going forward on that.
Results to be seen.
But yeah – it was even more fucked up to think “I could have a kid” and “I drink most days of the week.”
Especially when you even think about when you were a kid.
How you’ve grown up so quickly.
That you’re not in college anymore.
How you need to grow the fuck up more if you ever do have a kid.
Still, there’s an even deeper realization that has come to mind from this.
A Question Answered
As I wrote here months ago before I met Jovi, I was not certain about having a kid.
“Though, being honest, I’m not sure I want to have kids myself.
I just see too many issues with it and I don’t feel anywhere motivated to have one.
The only time I feel motivated to make a girl pregnant is when I’m balls deep inside her and am about to cum.”
But I went beyond just being balls deep inside a chick now.
Over the last month, the possibility of actually getting the job done has hit me in the face.
And you know what?
It was cool as fuck.
Despite the major concerns I had that are outlined above in this article, I genuinely felt excited as fuck to raise a kid as I wrote here.
“In a way, I felt happy to take on a badass opportunity to raise a mini me.
That sounds badass as fuck.
To take it out doing baseball, basketball and some shit.
Watch it grow to be whatever height.
Take it for some hiking and enjoying nature.
Go jogging with it outside.
Teach it out how to cook a steak.
If I could ever get a gun in Mexico, have it shoot guns with me.
I’m obviously envisioning a boy here…
Teaching it what I’ve learned so far in life.
And let it grow to be a badass motherfucker who can live a normal life.”
Suffice to say, I was put in the hot seat.
“Ok Matt, you got a potential kid. How do you feel about it? Still on the fence?”
No.
It was dope as fuck to contemplate the possibility of having a kid even despite the major ass concerns I had.
Now?
I feel confident as fuck that I want a kid someday.
It better be a boy but I’ll accept a girl, I guess.
And, despite what fuckery Jovi might or might not have been up to, I can at least be happy that she put me in the hot seat.
It made me realize so much more strongly than I could ever imagine that I’d fucking love to have a kid.
How will I go forward from me?
The Plan Going Forward
As I wrote here, my plan was to go back to the US after learning that she is pregnant.
Spend 6 months and stack up on cash just in case it is mine so that I’m ready.
Is that still the plan?
Kinda.
As I said, I’m much more strongly convinced that I want a kid someday.
Though, on the flip side, I am relieved, to a degree, that I can move forward with my previous plans to travel Latin America beyond Mexico again.
However, before this mindfuck of an experiment, I always thought that I would maybe travel for 5 to 7 years.
Now?
I don’t want 7 years traveling Latin America beyond Mexico.
Mostly because I’m 27 and I would like to begin having a family before I’m 35.
Don’t want to go Full Roosh.
But I am still young and would like to do more cool shit before settling down.
And, as a guy, I can always date down in age a little bit.
So I’m 33, then a 27 year old is cool.
Or whatever really.
You get the idea.
But I don’t want to push my luck either and wait until I’m 40 to think about settling down.
This whole mindfuck of “the kid being potentially mine” as really put things into perspective in ways you can’t imagine.
And, as I said, I’m glad for the mindfuck.
It was much needed.
Not only to whip me into realization that I need to get my life together but also making me realize that I would be very happy with a kid someday.
So, going forward, the plan will be to spend 6 more months in Mexico before traveling Latin America.
When will those 6 months be spent?
Either starting in December of 2021 or July of 2022.
Before, I was thinking seriously of even extending my time in Mexico until December 2022 but that’s not an option anymore if I don’t go back home until July 2022.
Granted, if I spend 6 months in the US starting in December, then I probably will be back for one last visit to tie up some last-minute loose ends.
So, in that scenario, I could be here from July to December 2022.
But there will be no Mexico for me in 2023.
It’ll be the end of Mexico for me.
Guaranteed.
Will Mexico be in the future afterwards?
Maybe.
As I wrote before, the two top countries I’ve always seen a long term future for me are Mexico or Chile.
But that’s looking into my life beyond 3 to 5 years.
For now, I can just say that I won’t be doing a full 7 years or so traveling Latin America.
It’ll be 5 at most and that’s being very generous.
And within the next year or two?
The idea is the same but the organization isn’t.
Either spend another 6 months now until July 2022 or spend 6 months starting now in the US until July 2022 and come back to Mexico until December 2022.
Either way, my time in Mexico is now limited to just 6 more months in total.
That’s it!
Then I’m gone to travel some more.
Anyway, that’s all that comes to mind.
If you have any comments, drop a comment below in the comment section.
And follow my Twitter here.
Thanks for reading.
Best regards,
Matt
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