Similar to this article I wrote here about getting introduced to the families of different and more formal Latina girlfriends I’ve had in the years down here in Latin America…
I figured I might as well discuss the brief topic of what it has been like to semi-introduce Latina girlfriends to my family!
And I emphasize the word “brief” because there isn’t much to say but I figured this topic might be interesting to someone.
Before we begin, let me say that I obviously haven’t mentioned every single woman I have ever met up with down here to my family.
Obviously the Lizeths and the Deborahs – the sluttiest of them all that we all love and enjoy – were not the type of woman I wanted to introduce to my family.
Especially someone like Lizeth – I couldn’t even imagine how that conversation would go.
No offense to Lizeth…
But she was such an air head and anything she said had no meaning.
Just a bunch of ramblings.
And outside of the whatever number of random hookup chicks…
There’s also been other chicks that I had great experiences with beyond sex but were never mentioned to my family.
Chicks like Mariana as you can read here and a Mexican chick named Daniela that I dated formally for about a month or two.
So on and so on.
Finally, none of the more formal chicks that I actually mentioned to my family have actually seen my family face to face.
As of this writing, I’m pretty confident none of them will ever set foot down in Latin America for any reason unless I was holding a wedding down here.
And even then…
I’m 15% confident one or two close family members would skip due to fear of a country like Mexico.
Either way, the only two formal girlfriends that I ever mentioned to my family on Facebook were Marcela and Brenda.
So let’s break it down as of June 6, 2021 what it was like mentioning either one to my family and how they took it.
So, for those who don’t know, Marcela was a Colombian chick that I dated for roughly around 7 months.
Now, if I’m being honest here, I never actually loved Marcela.
Sounds weird to say given that we dated.
Why did we date then?
Well, when I was living in a city called Barranquilla, I was basically fucking around having sex with anything that moved.
Then I took a trip to Pataognia as you can read here.
During that trip, I remember reflecting on my life and thinking “you know? It’d be cool to have a girlfriend. Let’s see what that’s like.”
I got tired of hooking up!
So basically I fucked around with the numbers I had and set up dates with 3 chicks.
One named Katherine, another named Rosa and another was Marcela.
Actually, Marcela was the least interesting option to me.
She had a very serious personality and our first two dates didn’t go well.
Third times the charm?
Meanwhile, I liked Rosa a lot but learned she had a Venezuelan husband or something as you can read here.
I didn’t know she was taken!
And I only learned after we had already fucked around.
With Katherine, I thought for sure I was going to fuck her but then she became the only woman in my life to ever tell me that “she doesn’t fuck until marriage.”
So, in the end, I ended up with Marcela for about 7 months.
How did my family react to her?
Well, most of the family outside of my parents didn’t give a shit and never asked about her to me.
The only person I remember asking anything about her was an uncle who asked me when I left Colombia “so Colombia eh? Lots of cocaine huh? Has Marcela seen anyone do cocaine?”
Out of my parents, I think my mom took the most interest in her.
For the most part, my dad is very “hands off” in many ways. He doesn’t say much ever and doesn’t take much concern about things.
Or however is the best way to put that anyway.
Ultimately, my mom was just curious and that was it.
She liked Marcela anyway.
The only noteworthy moment was when I posted a photo of Marcela and I at Tayrona Park in Colombia where Marcela was wearing a bikini next to my side that showed just how big her tits were.
They were fake and very huge.
Anyway, when I posted that on Facebook, the family reacted.
My sister basically was texting my mom about how fake those tits were supposedly from what I learned…
Meanwhile, my mom was very judgemental about how Marcela looked in the bikini and thought it looked “a bit whore ish” and “too revealing.”
Which, being honest, I thought it looked like a normal bikini!
It’s just that Marcela has HUGE tits!
Something something #SayNoToBodyShaming something something.
Who doesn’t like big tits?!
When we broke up, my mom almost seemed defensive of Marcela as I found things about her like her “hard headedness” to be too much and other things.
Though, ultimately, we broke up because I left Colombia and the long distance aspect of it didn’t work out well.
Next, we have Brenda la Mexicana.
Brenda was something that, especially in the initial part of our relationship, I actually did have feelings for.
She wasn’t really someone that I was messing around with to “take a break from hooking up.”
With Brenda, my mom liked the fact that she was studying to be a doctor and found that to be a sign that she must be a good woman or something.
Similar to Marcela, nobody in my family beyond the parents (including my sister) ever really gave a fuck about her.
Though, in Brenda’s defense, an aunt did ask me “how is Brenda” one time at a small Thanksgiving reunion.
One thing I found interesting was how her uncle was inquisitive about why Brenda wasn’t there at the Thanksgiving reunion.
There was a part of me that felt that a few family members didn’t consider “us serious enough” given that she didn’t travel with me to Iowa to see them.
Which I felt was strange because we had only been dating for a small bit by then and it’s not like you can just easily take someone into the US to visit family.
From what I know, the US is apparently quite strict at times for people of certain countries to get a visa to get in.
Granted, I could be wrong since I never tried doing that but that’s what I heard.
Anyway, my dad was also a little more inquisitive about Brenda asking what her family does and all.
And giving the usual questions like “are they all Catholic?” and “what do they eat for dinner? Tacos?”
My mom had a funny question too – “are they all indigenous? What percent indigenous are they?”
Which, to be fair, I’m OK with all three questions above but I find them a little bit annoying over time given how many times I’ve said to folks back home that…
“Not everyone is super religious down there” and “not everyone is indigenous.”
Still, with Brenda, I feel they both took a deeper interest because I am a little bit older now and there is always the greater possibility of getting married.
But also the risk they saw of her keeping me in Mexico.
Which is ironic since, even though I have been living in Latin America well before I met her, my parents began to theorize that she is the reason for why I’m still down here.
That nothing else keeps me in Latin America!
And, as I wrote here, they worked with that assumption in mind when trying to convince me to relocate back to the US.
Particularly by bringing into question if I could even buy a house in Mexico (I can)…
To talking about how much more doctors make in the US than Mexico (they sure do but I’m not sure her Mexican qualifications would transfer properly to the US but I have no idea)…
So on and so on.
Oddly enough, they never tried texting her or Marcela and be like...
"Yo bitch, you ever think of coming to America? CMON!!! We want our fucking son back NOW HIJA DE PUTA!!"
You'd think, with all the emphasis on coming back, that they'd target the source of what they perceive to me staying down here.
Either way, though they don’t know this yet, I already broke up with Brenda.
I haven’t said a word to her in maybe two years more or less?
She’s like ancient history to me now that only comes to mind when a story of us comes to mind when writing an article to document my past down here.
Like now actually.
Still, the reason why I haven’t mentioned that I broke up with her a long time ago is because there is a suspicion I have that the pressure I would get to move back home would escalate if they knew.
Because, as I said, I feel that they believe that she is the only reason I am in Mexico.
Even though she was never a reason and I’ve been down here way before I met her!
To be fair though, I know I’m going to have to bite the bullet and tell them eventually.
When I decide to travel around Latin America, the cat will be out of the bag obviously.
But part of me was thinking “maybe I’ll wait until I’m 30. They won’t bother me then about it.”
Though I could see that happening also!
Anyway, as long as she is “in the picture,” then I guess my parents think “well, Matt is in love so let’s not ruin his love by texting him everyday about why America is better than Mexico.”
Especially because, if that pressure was to explode, it could end up in a negative conversation where there isn't any talking for some brief period of time afterwards.
Yeah, I know it’s a pussy ass thing to not cut the umbilical word and say “she’s gone” but I don’t want the extra phone calls.
So it is what it is!
The only awkward thing that comes out of this is when my mom, who is the only one who asks, asks if Brenda is doing well.
I say she is and change the topic because it’s kinda weird to be talking about her.
Which, to be fair, I rarely get asked about her by my mom but that happens maybe once every two months or so.
Finally, there’s been a suspicion on my end that maybe my dad at least knows that I dumped her.
I know I told my sister about it and I don't 100% trust her to not tell someone about it.
But who knows – at the same time, my dad has expressed negative views about her once in a blue moon (like every 3 years) so I always felt that he doesn’t trust what she says from time to time.
Anyway, that’s enough family drama.
The main point here?
My parents liked Brenda, saw her as an obstacle to convincing me to come back home and every once in a blue moon I tell my mom that Brenda is good so that I don’t get extra aggressive phone calls demanding I leave Latin America.
And that’s that!
All around, my family is generally “hands off” when it comes to my private life (outside of frustration with me living away from the US).
For the most part, almost nobody has taken a great interest in any girl I formally have dated and mentioned to them.
And when they have learned about them, I have generally encountered the following:
- Stereotypical questions (cocaine, being indigenous, being super Catholic, etc).
- Seeing the girl as an obstacle to convincing me to live back in the US.
- My mom being the only one who seemingly has a relatively warm reaction to them with most others not giving a shit.
And that’s it!
What will a day look like when I actually present in real life face-to-face a chick from down here up there?
At one of our Thanksgiving reunions?
Well, I always wanted to do it right.
Get me one of those village gals from the Amazon rainforest or the Lacandon Jungle in Mexico…
Someone who is 90 years old.
Who doesn’t speak a lick of English.
We have to communicate by pointing at stuff and grunting “UGH UGH ER ER UGH UGH ER ER.”
Who shows up in traditional indigenous clothing.
Who has lots of money from her village to “spoil me” as I give her the big dick to satisfy her in ways that only a young Chad like myself can.
Someone with missing teeth.
And who stares mysteriously into the distance at the family dinner table back home and mumbles to herself every 5 minutes “Pachamama” in a deep voice.
Reminds me of that funny standup bit by Eddie Murphy here.