I fell off the wagon.
For most of this month outside of 3 days, I did not drink.
On the 2nd of the month and then on Christmas.
I’ve come to realize that it’s annoying to give up drinking forever but I like a good one once a week or once every two weeks.
Easy to strike at the middle – not too much but give me some every so often for a night once in a blue moon.
I’ve found it a lot easier to do that than give up cold turkey completely or to drink every night.
Well, drinking every night is fun but I’ll be dead by 45 if I continue at that pace.
So once a week or every two weeks it is!
Though, on a day of drinking, I have less fucks to give about life in general.
Especially these days.
Though I feel better mentally, I’ve been around too much to hold back any smartass comments when drunk.
“Where’s the Phone?!?”
At around 9 PM, I left my apartment by around Pedregal de Santo Domingo in Mexico City.
For various reasons, I love this part of the city.
Still, it’s not the nicest neighborhood of the city to be fair.
So I left anyhow to get some pizza and a bottle of brandy for the night.
I was running out of rum and figured to get some food and more liquor for one more night of the week and also New Years later.
As I walked out, I saw some cop standing by the corner of where I lived just being alone and looking around the street.
I got on the metro to Copilco station before returning soon enough.
With a pizza box in hand a bottle of brandy in my backpack, I left Metro CU area and headed towards my place.
That’s when I got hit for a bribe.
The cop mentioned a second ago called me out as I was walking back towards my place.
In the moment, I was worried the dude was going to ask for my papers or some shit.
Deport or whatever as they are doing to foreigners down here these days.
Thankfully, it wasn’t anything like that.
Funny enough, the dude approached me with a fake story about how “there’s a report of someone stealing a phone from a store around here an hour ago. You look like the suspect.”
Or however the fuck you’d translate what he said into English.
But you get the idea – the dude is coming up with a story about how “someone stole a phone in the area” and he needs to check me.
Unfortunately for me, I could’ve just taken the other street to get to my apartment form the metro and avoided this dude.
Unfortunately for him, I rarely carry my phone on person outside of my apartment as I wrote here.
And, being a bit under the influence, I almost laughed because I realized what he was up to in the moment and I just don’t give a fuck anymore.
As I wrote here, you just have to laugh at the retardation of the country from time to time.
Or laugh at life in general.
If you don’t, maybe you’ll go crazy.
Maybe you do anyway if you feel the need to say that.
So I gave him my backpack.
Did his quick search.
Couldn’t find a phone.
“Fuck. What Else You Got, Gringo?”
He didn’t say it like that to be fair.
It’s not like they are that direct about it.
Not in my experience anyhow.
But, to keep a long story short, we basically dicked around talking.
Him trying to come up with a reason for money.
Ultimately, I did what I told others to do sometimes in these cases.
I wasn’t a complete ass to the guy saying “haha haha, you poor little Mexican. Trying to get a bribe, huh? Can’t afford taking your mistress to a motel? Need to rob me? Faggot.”
Though there’s a part of me that wants to be a complete asshole to these people, I also recognize, even when half-drunk, that it’s probably not wise to be that much of a dick to those in power.
However, as an American, there is a part of me that wants to push that envelope.
Go full colonialist on the motherfucker.
“I’m an AMERICAN. Hahahahahaha, fuck you faggot ass mexicanitoooooo. I got money, you don’t! I fuck your sister! Your mother! Your grandmother! They my sluts! Keep crying in poverty of la Neza, mexicanitooooo!”
But, for some odd reason, the mental image of me ending up in a ditch dead in edomex convinces me otherwise from being a complete jackass.
Though, if I had double the liquor intake that night, I could see myself going that low.
While I’m coming out of a little mental depression of mine these days, there’s a part of me that still doesn’t mind dancing with death so to speak.
A part of me that doesn’t give a fuck anymore.
Would anyone else?
Well, let’s not be too depressive tonight.
Nor was I.
“A Slice of Pizza?"
I’ll always say, when sober, that it’s better to be a friend than foe with the corrupt cops down here.
It’s cooler to say that you would actually do the above and spit in their face.
Well, cool anyhow until you have a team of 5 cops taking you into a discrete location to kick your ass.
Then it’s not so cool.
And your mental image of “how cool” you’d be in fantasy land turns into a reality of a serious ass kicking.
Still, to keep a long story short because the long story isn’t notable, I ended up giving the dude a slice of pizza from what I bought here.
While all of the above sounds confrontational, it wasn’t anywhere near as confrontational as I’m milking this story out to be.
it literally was just that.
Cop stops me with a bullshit excuse that he is under the watch for someone stealing a phone.
No phone found (or else he would’ve stolen it).
While trying to save face, he starts talking jibberish but keeping me hostage basically and wasting my time as my pizza gets cold.
And I offer him a slice of pizza.
He was actually pretty nice.
He dropped the formal “I’M HERE TO INVESTIGATE A CRIME!” vibe and was just chill asking me shit about myself.
Where you from?
What you doing here?
Then I carried on and got back to my apartment about 30 seconds later as I literally lived just a few feet from where this happened.
It’s the first time I had to bribe a cop in 3 years?
Though I’ll probably forget this incident because it didn’t involve actual cash.
Not much of a bribe with pizza, huh?
Honestly, I can’t hate.
If this was my first or second year in Latin America, the article you’re reading now would probably be very different.
It’d probably be a very racist article full of shit like “FUCK PEOPLE DOWN HERE! FUCK EVERYONE! THEY ALL SUCK DICK!”
Truth be told – you live down here long enough, you get used to it.
Not much surprises me anymore.
And I can’t hate – dude needs money to take his mistress to that motel or to buy his kids gifts. Whichever is more important.
Or perhaps take the girlfriend to a beach area.
As for the first point, you simply learn to accept life down here as it is.
As I said before, you learn to laugh at the stupidity that comes by from time to time.
It bothers you less and less and you just roll with it.
That isn’t to say that you consider it to be “good” or “normal” but it doesn’t bother you anymore.
And a cop wanting a bribe?
I don’t give a fuck.
Maybe I would if I was new here or if I was so broke that the 1 buck worth of pizza that he took mattered to me.
But, on that note, to see the cop drops his authoritative act and come across as “human” after I offered him a slice and he knew I had no real money on person was cool too.
Like you could connect with a person despite the fuckery beforehand.
Kinda cool to see that transition from “dickhead” to “bro” real quick.
Finally, the more important point I wanted to drive home was how he demanded a bribe at this time of the month.
The end of December.
Given this happened after Christmas, I thought I was in the clear.
I guess not.
For those who live in Latin America long enough, you realize that December is hunting season for bribes and extortions in Latin America.
Bribes by cops.
Extortions by criminals.
What’s the difference?
It’s hunting season either way.
During this time from around November to January is the time that cops become more insistent on getting some bribe money to cover the extra expenses this month.
For just one example, here's an article on how bribes increase in December here.
Either way, it’s no big deal.
As I always say, don’t carry too much on you and you’ll be fine.
This was the first time in years since I had to pay a bribe and, because it wasn’t even with actual cash, I’ll probably forget it.
In fact, the cop didn’t even ask for pizza.
I offered it because I assumed he would let me keep on walking.
So does that count as a bribe or does that count as me being generous to the pobrecitos of Mexico who can’t afford their own slices of pepperoni pizza?
Plenty of them down here!
So I’ll probably forget about it in a week anyhow.
To me, it doesn’t count as a real bribe I guess but definitely a minor story to add to the slightly extra risk that exists down here during these specific months when the cops of Mexico need that extra dough to have their mistresses whip them at their favorite motels on Perferico Sur.
Velvet Underground -- Venus in Furs
Either way, nothing more to add.
As I said, after I offered a slice, the dude dropped his act and we had a very small chat before I carried on.
And I carried on quickly because my pizza was getting fucking cold!
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Thanks for reading.