About a week ago, I wrote an article here detailing how I got a surprise text from a Mexican woman named Jovi.
She’s a chick I’ve been hooking up with over the last few months. Lives close to me. Is an accountant for work. Is two years younger than me (she is 25). Has a brother and sister. From Puebla but lives in Mexico City. So on and so on.
Anyway, her text was in regards to how she believed that she was pregnant and wanted to inform me since I came inside her without a condom on my birthday as you can read here.
I ended up telling my sister fairly soon about the news and she gave me some advice being a woman who also has a kid of her own.
Some of the advice being to give it a few more days before doing the pregnancy test just to make sure she doesn’t get her period and to make sure the test shows the true results.
And to make sure the test is done in front of me with a test that I buy so that she doesn’t somehow “trick me” with a fake test result.
Anyway, I did just that and scheduled the test with her on Friday.
Once I published that previous article about the text she sent me, I quickly buried it deeper into my blog because I only wanted a few to read it until I got actual pregnancy test results.
But now the results have arrived!
What happened?
A Night with Jovi
So she showed up at 7:46 PM as you can see here by Metro Bus Station Deportivo 18 de Marzo in Mexico City.
When she notified me that she arrived, I walked about a few minutes to find her.
She immediately noticed my new mustache and said that “I look better without it.”
Women, can’t please them, huh?
Then we walked over to the nearest pharmacy closer to Basilica area.
When we got there, I made sure to embarrass her a tiny bit because I like to do dumb shit for fun.
Just to mess around.
I said to the pharmacy lady in a very concerned and loud voice with Jovi next to me – “tenemos una EMERGENCIA GRANDE! Es muy importante! Un accidente.”
The pharmacy lady immediately looked at me very concerned.
“Tienes una prueba de embarazo?” i followed up with.
Jovi died inside but found it humorous.
The pharmacy lady looked relived from expecting news about a deadly cancer to “oh, just a pregnancy test?”
She went to get it.
Costed me a total of 180 pesos or about 9 bucks.
When she came back, I couldn’t help myself.
“A nosotros nos gusta la diversión y pues ahora estamos preocupados. Accidente. Si?” i said.
I don’t think the pharmacy lady heard me or she just ignored it.
Jovi died inside even more and said “ya!!” but was laughing a tiny bit.
Then the pharmacy lady had to switch computers since to ring up the price before coming back to us.
When she came back with the price, I could see Jovi looking visibly nervous and I said “ella esta muy nerviosa!”
The pharmacy lady gave out a chuckle and Jovi made a “OHHH!” sound.
I’m a comedian.
Back at My Place
I thought that Jovi was going to take the test right away.
She wanted to wait because she was very nervous.
We hung out a tiny bit chatting away about whatever.
Let the dog of the apartment inside the room to hang out with us.
I’m beginning to suspect he likes her more than me…
Ordered some Pizza Hut.
And, though we were worried about her being pregnant, we couldn’t help ourselves but have more raw sex.
With her telling me my favorite phrase that I love hearing any Latina moan to – “dame hijos blancos, papi.”
Does fantasy become reality?
Anyway, we about found it time to go to bed.
But then I insisted to her “no, cmon, let’s take the test already. I’m going to be up all night if you delay this.”
So she agreed.
As she was in the bathroom, she quickly walked back out.
“Done so soon?” I asked.
That made me think it must’ve been a clear NO PREGNANCY if she was done so quick!
Then she said that “no, I need a bottle cap.”
Back in the bathroom!
Soon enough, I heard some commotion in the bathroom.
No violent sobbing or “FUCK!”
Just some random noise she yelled out that I didn’t catch.
OK, it could’ve been “FUCK” but I don’t know.
I walk out of the bedroom up to the bathroom.
She walks out slowly with the test behind her back and a nervous look.
No poker face on this one…
“Estoy embarazada” she says as she hands me the test.
As you can see here, it clearly says embarazada with 3 weeks past her.
Which today is October 22nd as I write this.
I came inside her September 19th.
Does that check out with when she should've been pregnant?
I' ve done some armchair research over the last day or two but we'll get to that in a minute later in the article and really nothing but a DNA test will solve it.
Still, the test was done in my presence with the one I bought so it probably wasn’t a fake test she brought in.
Side note: I remember in high school how one of my first Spanish words I ever learned was “embarazada.” The Spanish teacher wanted to make a point about how some Spanish words look like certain words in English but aren’t. Like how “embarazada” looks like “embarrassed.” GOOD JOKE MRS. TIMMERMAN, GOOD JOKE! NOW I KNOW WHAT EMBARAZADA MEANS TODAY, HUH?
How Did We Feel Initially?
We go to my bedroom.
She looks a little bit distraught.
I asked her “como te sientes?”
She responded with “nervous, happy, in shock.”
I nodded away.
“Y tu? Como te sientes?” she asked me in return.
Being honest with you, when I wrote that previous article here, I explained how I was HAPPY that she might’ve been pregnant.
And also how I genuinely didn’t even consider it to be THAT important.
“Eh, whatever. A Latina took my potent seed. Happens every Tuesday.”
I had a mix of a happy but nonchalant “whatever” attitude.
Then the news kicks in.
Reality kicks in.
But it didn’t kick in full force like one big punch.
It got more intense internally as the night went on for me.
Immediately, there was still that nonchalant “whatever” attitude I had.
“Eh, cool. You pregnant? We’ll work through this."
She turned on a song from Spotify on her phone to calm her down.
She had her body was shaking but I didn't see her shaking.
I offered her a hug though to calm her down and said “esta bien.”
I made a few jokes about it too.
Stuff like “I guess you finally got your hijos blancos. Haha jeje haha jeje…”
Abortion or No Abortion?
Anyway, she initially wasn’t sure if she would keep it or abort it.
She seemed concerned.
Asked me “what do I think?”
Being honest?
I wasn’t entirely sure.
There was a part of me that felt nonchalant as I said before about it.
But there was a part of me that had this idea in my head – what is the fetus is a real human?
That’s the abortion debate anyway.
And I don’t truly know the science behind that – is it a real human being? When during the pregnancy?
I’m not a doctor though so I can’t say shit on if it’s real or not.
But two thoughts did struck my mind.
For one, what if the kid isn’t mine?
Being honest with you, we aren’t dating formally.
We’re just two people who like to have sex and find each other enjoyable at sex.
We hang out and do other things together that don’t involve sex.
But we don’t love each other.
We’re cool with each other and have a good connection but it doesn’t go beyond that.
That’s it.
So, as a reader named Dazza put it here, it might be a little bit fucked up for me to encourage her to keep it if it turns out to not be mine.
“Well, the great thing is that you’re ready for all eventualities which is good, right ‘forearmed is forewarned’ one thing you say is Jovi is a ‘party girl’ so it’s a legit concern to wait until the kid is born (if she is going to keep it…) and take the DNA test – but what happens if you convince her to keep it and the kid isn’t yours? That is a double shitpile whammy so the main thing is let her decide if she is to keep the kid or not?”
But, on the flip side, I have genuinely wondered over the last few days on if this thing growing inside her is a real human being or not.
There’s a certain creepiness I find in saying “yeah sure, abort it” when I could be sentencing a real living thing to death.
Something innocent, pure and defenseless.
Granted, if she’s only 3 weeks into this, it probably isn’t “living” just yet and an abortion pill would fix her up quick.
Reminds me of this stand up bit by Doug Stanhope here.
Anyway, I didn’t tell her to abort it or not abort it (even though the idea of potentially killing a living offspring of mine is creepy and satanic as fuck).
But I told her that “I’ll support the kid if it turns out to be mine. I won’t abandon it.”
Personally, if I could press a button as to abort or not to abort, I wouldn’t fucking abort it if it turns out to be my kid.
Not in a million fucking years.
But I felt like that was the response she needed and the most appropriate one – “I’ll support the kid 110% if it’s mine.”
Which doesn’t make me feel as bad if it isn’t mine and she keeps it.
Then she had to take that up with whoever the dad is.
And I didn’t pressure her into doing the abortion or not.
If what she told me is correct – that she hasn’t had sex with other people this month – then it’s on her.
My response?
“I’ll support the kid if it turns out to be mine. I won’t abandon it.”
Under those conditions – if it’s mine, you got my full unwavering support.
If it’s not mine, well you lied to me about not having sex with others and you better go find the dad.
And I’ll know anyway in 9 months if it’s mine or not.
When I said that, she changed her mindset about wondering if she should keep it or not to what seemed like a firm support in keeping it.
But could it be?
Is the Kid Mine?
Look, it’s tough for me to say.
If I had to make a wild guess right now, I'd say no but I'm open to the possibility.
I feel a solid 51% that it's mine and a 49% that it isn't.
Why could it be mine?
Given that I came inside her without a condom on my birthday, then I’m a clear candidate for potentially being the father!
No doubt about it.
That's the most convincing evidence we got going for why it could be mine.
On the flip side, I’ve had some things that make me doubt it.
First, you have this article here claiming that TRT (testosterone) reduces the sperm load of men so much that it’s much less likely for them to get a woman pregnant.
"Testosterone replacement therapy has a profound impact on a man's reproductive potential," says urologist Michael Eisenberg, MD. He's director of male reproductive medicine and surgery at Stanford Hospital and Clinics in Palo Alto, Calif.
"In fact," Eisenberg says, "it's been studied as a method of birth control, because 90% of men can drop their sperm counts to zero while on testosterone. By increasing testosterone, you're not going to increase fertility."
In many ways, there’s been talk of using it as a male contraceptive (though more research does need to be done apparently).
With this article showing a 99% effectiveness rate.
"Monthly injections of a testosterone-based contraceptive were 99% effective for preventing partner pregnancy in what researchers say is the largest trial ever of a hormone-based male birth control approach."
And keep it mind that I've been taking it consistently for a year now on a weekly basis and not monthly like the paragraph above talks about.
Among other resources on the topic (though the research on this isn't as well developed as on other scientific topics but it all does show the above from what I've seen).
Second, you have the fact that Jovi likes sex.
Who doesn't?!?
I like sex also and have been in contact with other women while I've been fucking her.
As I said, we're not in a formal relationship.
However, a man can't be pregnant and the woman will always know if she is the mother or not.
But the father can have doubts.
I know she has plenty of men in her phone from around the world who try to start shit with her.
For example, she showed me some dude from Israel who (unsuccessfully) was trying to get naked pictures from her.
Though, in hindsight, I feel like she was very cautious in showing me any texts last night.
Only the texts that felt safe like that Israeli dude who failed to take things deeper with her.
And some of her female friends.
But, while she would gleefully show me her phone in the past as you can see here, she wouldn't this night.
In her defense though, all of the men she has showed me were foreign dudes who don’t live in Mexico.
She matched with them on Tinder to take in the attention I guess since none of them appeared to live in Mexico from what I could tell.
But, as I said, I haven’t seen all of her conversations and I know she likes to fuck around in person.
For example, she told me that she used to go to “swingers” events with her last boyfriend.
Was a sugar baby once (which she lied to me about since I guess she’d feel guilty admitting to that).
And wants a threesome?
Maybe.
As we spent the night watching a movie – The Shining as you can see here – some dude texted her about a threesome.
The Shining Bar Scene
Even though she was open with showing me how she deleted Tinder and all the other dating apps (something she showed me last month before the pregnancy news) and showing me some chats despite being hesitant to do so...
She wouldn’t open that text and show me the rest of the conversation about this threesome.
Which obviously made me very doubtful about her claim that “she hasn’t had sex with other men this month.”
Something she has told me like 3 to 4 times now.
So all of that last bit really covers points two and three -- that she fucks around and is a little bit secretive about anyone she could've been fucking the last month when she wasn't secretive before.
What else?
Fourth, when I asked a little more about the threesome text, I explained to her that "well, the DNA test will show if it's mine or not. That's it."
Something I explained about later in this article.
When I said that, she said "fine, I guess my baby will grow up without a dad."
Why would she need to use manipulation or shaming tactics to get me on board?
It could be just simple female emotions but any bit of manipulation tactic is a major red flag.
Fifth, is the timing of her pregnancy just right?
She last told me that her last period ended on September 15 and that was the last day she took her shot.
Now, as you can read here, women don't ovulate on the first day after their period.
No ovulation means no pregnancy.
No eggs for the sperm to beat the fuck up!
It happens around day 13 to day 14 more or less.
Which means that, if she did not take her last injection on the 15th, we could maybe expect her to ovulate by around September 30th (both because it can take normally a few weeks for the ovulation to begin after birth control ends and also because that's about a few weeks after her period ended).
And I fucked her on the night of September 18th.
She, in theory, shouldn't have had any eggs.
But, given she didn't take her birth control shot, some say that she could've had an egg?
When a woman stops taking the shot, the body soon enough goes back to producing eggs.
As my sister explained to me.
However, as I read here, most women will begin to after 2 to 3 weeks of quitting the birth control.
Though some articles like this one say it can take a few months and my sister said that a few women begin right away.
We'll just say that every woman is different but a lot of what I've read tonight seems to suggest that it takes more than just a few days for most women apparently.
Which is a different time table than just a few days later to my birthday.
Sixth, anything else wrong with the timing?
According to this article here, the pregnancy test I bought has a 93% accuracy rate in predicting exactly when the pregnancy began.
So she took the test on October 22 and 3 weeks before that would've been October 1.
I came inside her September 18.
Of course, she doesn't become pregnant the second you cum inside her.
According to this article here, it takes up to 10 days after ejaculation for her to be pregnant.
"Conception (when the egg is fertilized by the sperm) can take place as soon as three minutes after sex or it may take up to five days. Implantation (when the fertilized egg attaches to the uterine wall) occurs five to 10 days after fertilization—which means it can happen anywhere from five to 15 days after you had sex."
To be fair, given that it says that it can take a total of 15 days, then that does technically fall within the time table.
I came inside her September 18.
And a total of 15 days later would be October 3.
So, if I'm understanding this correctly, the test won't show positive until the conception happens.
Therefore, if she happened to have an egg and if my sperm wasn't decimated from the TRT, then she could've gotten pregnant from me if it took her as long as it did to get knocked up.
As the quote above shows, it can happen as early as 5 days even.
So who knows!
It technically falls within the range of time but the issue of hormones (her eggs and my sperm) is what brings in a lot of doubt.
Finally, there was some weird feeling I had that I was being played the second she walked out of the bathroom to when she told manipulating me with the words "I guess it'll grow up without a dad."
A weird feeling that made me think something is off.
That it felt like she was acting to seem "shocked" at being pregnant?
To her shaming tactics.
Something felt off.
For all of those reasons, I feel more strongly that it might not be mine.
Primarily the reasons being that, in theory, I shouldn't have enough sperm to get her pregnant due to the TRT (90% of men having 0 sperm), that she shouldn't have been ovulating and also some minor doubt about the timing of her pregnancy.
So, while I'm doubtful of it being mine, I'll explain in a bit why I plan on going forward as if it is until I get proof otherwise.
Though it doesn't matter does it?
All of this is "armchair Google analysis."
At the end of the day, as the comment from Dazza below in this article says, we can all spend plenty of time contemplating possibilities.
"Because our inner voices can magnify something x million – so she has been fucking you and the kids yours (most likely scenario..) to her going to Israel and taking part in a gangbang with a million IDF members and her narco-ex – so, if you think about it too much you can build up a crappy scenario brick-by-brick and in the end she will end up fucking you off because you might accuse her of this and that and you won’t be seeing what might be your child – so, the first thing to do (and it is going to be hard…) is to keep a positive mindset that the kid is YOURS BUT you will be getting a DNA test to make sure before you make this official and getting this kid the blue passport."
And that's how I see it!
We can spend all day doing the mental calculations as to if it's my kid or not.
But none of this mental masturbation matters until we have hard results.
So, in the coming months, I WILL be collecting proof.
The primary tests that I am interested in are the following:
A sperm test in Mexico City to see how potent I am without changing anything about my lifestyle or amount of TRT I take.
An ultrasound that, according to my sister, will tell me an even more accurate date as to when her pregnancy exactly started.
A DNA test (a few actually) to confirm that I am or am not the father.
So what’s my mindset then going forward on this?
Mostly to keep a positive relationship with her JUST IN CASE that it happens to be my child while collecting test results to help give me a definitive answer.
And how did I feel this night as I took in the news and how will change my plans going forward into the next year?
We’ll get to that soon enough.
Back to the story of what happened this night!
Changes in the Night
We couldn’t finish watching The Shining.
It got boring for us.
Decided to go to bed.
As I said, the realization that I could be a father hit me little by little over the night.
It was during this time that Jovi and I were laying in bed that it hit me more.
As we were laying in the dark, I wanted some last minute conversation with her.
Because I wanted to see that threesome text and I wanted to know the person that I might have contact with raising a kid together over the rest of my life.
Even if we don’t stay together, I need to know this fucking person.
Because, as I said, most of our “relationship” is hanging out and fucking.
We aren’t in a serious relationship nor do we love each other.
We find each other cool but that’s it.
But there’s a major ass difference between “finding someone cool to fuck” and “raising a kid together.”
No shit sherlock.
And when I say “know,” I mean two things.
One – how are we going to raise the kid together if it’s mine? Parenting differences? Finances? What would be proper food to give it? Discipling behaviors? The whole 9 yards. We have to be in agreement or find agreement soon.
Two – know this person on a personal level beyond “oh, her tits look nice.” And when I say “know, I don’t mean basic facts like she likes to eat enchiladas. I mean know as in “I just know you.” If that makes sense? Like I “know” my ex-girlfriends because I spent actual quality time with them beyond fucking. But I don’t “know” Jovi that well.
So when I said I’d like to “know” her more, she thought I meant basic facts and hidden secrets.
So she began telling me how her “narco” boyfriend (an actual narco apparently) would go to swinger events with her.
Have her get fucked by other dudes in front of him basically.
While I’m listening to this, I don’t give a shit.
Outside of the thought in my head that “she’s tone deaf.”
Because I was just asking her to show me that text of the threesome and she knows why I want to see it.
To see if she has been fucking others.
And here she is telling me how “she’s been to swinger events.”
Hmmm…You know, she is smart but sometimes tone deaf.
Anyway, I nod away at the swinger talk because I genuinely didn’t give a fuck.
And I realized that she didn’t get what I meant by the second bit.
So I switched the conversation to my number 1 issue about “has she fucked other men?”
Brought up the threesome text I saw.
She said no.
And I explained to her in simple terms that “look, I know we both have been seeing other people. We aren’t in a formal relationship. We just fuck. And we fuck other people. Regardless of if you’ve fucked anyone else this month, I’ll just repeat what I said before. I will get a DNA test or I won’t support the kid. If the kid is not mine, I won’t support it and leave Mexico. If it is mine, I’ll support it completely without any question.”
She then rolled over facing the other wall on the bed and said “fine, I guess my kid will grow up without a dad!”
Which is a funny shaming tactic to use – you think I give a fuck if it doesn’t have a dad?
I give a fuck if it’s mine – I ain’t letting no offspring of mine go alone in this world.
Not in a million fucking years.
But shaming tactics ain’t working if I don’t know if it’s mine or not and I’ll be VERY insistent on getting one before I give a single cent or spend a day with the future kid.
I didn’t argue though after she said that last bit.
I let her words soak in.
For her use of a shaming tactic like that – even though she has agreed to a DNA test a few times now – has made me doubt her even more.
There’s no reason to hide the text since we aren’t dating formally.
And, even if she did fuck someone else, it wouldn’t matter.
It’d just give me more of a solid idea on if it’s mine or not before it comes out.
Because if she hasn’t fucked anyone else, then clearly it’s mine!
If she has though, then there’s a good possibility that it isn’t.
Either way, the DNA test will be the final verdict here.
As I said, we didn’t get into any major arguments.
We left the conversation at that.
Soon had sex again.
Then she tried falling asleep.
The Reality Hits Harder
As I laid in bed, she seemingly couldn’t fall asleep either.
And I couldn’t either.
We both laid in silence after fucking again probably lost in our own worlds.
I was thinking to myself the following:
- Male or female?
- Is it mine? What’s the probability it is? How effective is TRT again? If she’s hiding the text and using shaming tactics, what does that say? She has a history of sleeping around also.
- How to raise it if it mine? If it’s a boy, I don’t want it to be some incel loser who jerks off all day, fat as fuck, has no goals and does nothing impressive in life. How to raise it to be a badass motherfucker?
- If it’s a girl, how do you raise a girl to begin with? I’m a dude.
- How much will this truly cost? People always say there’s so many unexpected costs. What costs am I not seeing that I need to prepare for?
- How much does it cost to pay a hospital to handle a woman giving birth?
- Should I really call this kid “Mateo?” We both agreed it’d be a cool name. But why not a name that works among both Latinos and white people if it ever decides to move to the US? Granted, the US has plenty of Latino Mateos I’m sure but still….
- Should we live together? (she said that she’d understand if we didn’t live together since we never had a formal relationship).
- How to maintain a positive relationship with her over the course of raising a kid so she doesn’t alienate it from me like some moms do and to make raising the kid easier so it’s more successful in life?
But honestly?
None of those questions above really hit HOW I FELT really.
Or what was making me feel weird.
Those are mostly logistical questions.
Find out if it’s mine.
How to raise it.
What to name it.
So on and so on.
We can work with that!
Logistical is easier than existential.
And what was the existential crisis of the night?
For one, as I said, the complex calculations running in my head regarding if it’s actually mine or not.
But then, over time, I just resolved that question with “Fuck it. Even if she gave me proof from Jesus Christ and Allah themselves that she didn’t fuck anyone else, I’d still get a DNA test. No point in worrying about this until a test is possible and she has said multiple times that she’d get it.”
Second, the other “existential crisis” that hit me was the realization that I’m GROWING THE FUCK UP.
Or better said?
That I NEED to grow the fuck up.
Starting last month.
You know, it’s so easy to sit in Mexico and drown in self-pity over shit we couldn’t control when we were kids.
Especially when cost of living is so low and when you have no real obligations.
I’ve spent months or even years now without having to do SHIT.
Just wake up.
“what are we going to do today?” I ask myself.
“Ehh….drink a bit. Maybe lift a little. Text cute gals on Tinder. Maybe self-pity over childhood trauma shit. What time to do that? At 4PM? Sounds god. Eh shit…should I get the tacos today or enchiladas for lunch?”
The tacos or enchiladas being the biggest question of the day.
Outside of “who should I arrange a date for tomorrow? Maria or Alejandra?”
But no real motivation to actually get your shit together or do anything meaningful.
Being honest, this blog has been my “project” or “purpose” I guess over the last year or so as I’ve said elsewhere.
Which explains, in part, how I’ve produced so much content on my life down here.
That and also how I can whip out a 1,500 word article in 30 minutes if I don’t have to do research for it (basic life story or some shit).
But now with a potential kid?
Mind fuck.
It wasn’t a mind fuck when she said “I might be pregnant” over text.
And it wasn’t a mindfuck when she gave me the test result.
It became a mindfuck when I laid alone in silence in the dark on my bed a few hours ago.
Not to sound like a pussy ass bitch (cuz I’m the strongest, most woke, most intelligent, richest, sexiest and most HUMBLE badass motherfucker ever)...
But I almost felt like a tear or two would come out thinking about it.
It’s some crazy ass shit.
In a way, I felt happy to take on a badass opportunity to raise a mini me.
That sounds badass as fuck.
To take it out doing baseball, basketball and some shit.
Watch it grow to be whatever height.
Take it for some hiking and enjoying nature.
Go jogging with it outside.
Teach it out how to cook a steak.
If I could ever get a gun in Mexico, have it shoot guns with me.
I’m obviously envisioning a boy here…
Teaching it what I’ve learned so far in life.
Make it feel loved and appreciated.
Give it shit I wish I had as a kid.
And let it grow to be a badass motherfucker who can live a normal life.
But then, on top of that, just the realization that, as I said, I’m GROWING THE FUCK UP.
Positive memories of my childhood hit my head.
Growing up in Iowa.
Playing in the snow.
Small town life.
Hanging out with the friends I had back home before I left.
Going to high school prom.
All the other random ass shit that comes to mind.
And to think – “shit, I’m going to be the one now raising someone to relive all that? To have their own childhood? Grow up and shit?”
Then it hit me – “just how old am I growing to be now, motherfucker? Am I going to be like 70 tomorrow once the kid comes?”
And, outside of that, it hit me – “damn, if I raise this kid in Mexico City, it’s going to have a very different life than that in small town Iowa. What shit will I not be able to relate to? I don’t want my kid to be some barrio bum living in Tepito with no small town Midwestern sense of how to behave.”
But then I did consider how raising a kid in a big city might give it a better chance to grow up learning how to be tougher and more assertive than your typical kid growing up in a small midwestern town.
And, on top of that, I wouldn’t be too sure about raising a part Latino kid in a small midwestern town.
We had Latino folks for sure.
And my kid would probably be slightly whiter looking with a British sounding last name probably.
If we called it Mateo, it might have more “difference” than if we called it Alex or something.
But still – something about raising a Latino kid in a small town rubs me slightly wrong.
But those were the thoughts and feelings.
The main ones being “IS THIS KID EVEN MINE?!?” to “I’M GROWING THE FUCK UP!!!”
And the night continued.
Because of these thoughts and feelings, I couldn’t fall asleep.
And chose to write out all of my thoughts now.
Also probably because my sleep schedule the last week or two has been going to bed at 7 AM…
But how do I feel now?
Mindset After the Dust Has Settled
I no longer have tears coming to the eyes!
Don’t feel my heart beating as much.
My mind isn’t racing as much.
It’s still a little bit weird.
But, after spending tonight contemplating how to move forward, I feel better.
I mostly feel four things as I write this.
One, is this kid really mine? The big question I’ll keep asking until I find out.
Two, a feeling of happiness like how Jovi felt when she told me that she “feels happy” after I asked her “como te sientes.”
Three, as you could tell from the previous section, a feeling of opportunity to raise a badass mini me.
Four, a slight feeling of nervousness still as I ask myself “who is Jovi really? How are we going to cooperate together to raise this kid if it’s mine?” and just a STRONG alert on my end that makes me want to fucking get us to have a FIRM understanding of each other to better move forward.
Overall? I feel great that I could have a kid maybe.
A little bit of nervousness.
Many doubts that it is even mine.
Though, as I said, I'll leave that for the three tests to decide (sperm test, ultrasound and pregnancy).
But I feel like that “attack mode” of me is turned on.
There’s a part of me that – when I identify a goal I want to achieve – I fucking kill it.
Like how I really wanted to travel the world when I was younger? Been to 30 countries now.
Like with this blog? 500 articles and counting in slightly over a year.
And other examples.
There’s a part of me that is now really thinking carefully with A LOT of my attention on how to move forward with this woman and how to raise the kid so it has a great fucking future to the best of our ability.
But, despite that, I feel overall pretty good despite the lingering questions I have (is the kid really mine? Who is Jovi really? How to raise the kid together?)
So where do we go from here, Doc?
The Plan Going Forward
As I said, I need to grow the fuck up.
As I laid in bed going over those thoughts and feelings, I even felt repulsed by the idea of having a drink.
“No, you need to put that shit down. It’s time to get serious. What the fuck are you doing with your life when you might have a kid coming? Grow the fuck up.”
Well, I did have one drink when I realized that I’m not falling asleep tonight.
Jovi is currently upstairs as I type this sleeping in my bedroom as I’m in the dining room right now.
But what is the plan going forward?
Well, growing the fuck up is much needed.
Get more disciplined in life.
There’s mixed feelings on my end.
Should I stay with her for these 9 months until she gives birth and see if it’s mine?
There’s a part of me that wants to be supportive and be by her side as she goes through these bodily changes and as she probably gets more fearful or nervous of her life changing forever with giving birth.
But, on the flip side, I also think to myself that maybe my sister is right?
She suggested to me that I come back to Iowa – at least until she is 36 weeks in – so that I can increase my affiliate income by working a real job.
Just stack some extra cash that I wouldn’t have otherwise because, with her having a kid, she said that “there’s plenty of costs you don’t see coming and while Mexico is so cheap, you’ll need the extra cash.”
And I think that’s accurate.
Better to be safe than sorry.
If I can add an extra 10,000 to 15,000 to my savings before she gives birth, that’d be the smart choice.
And it’s more logical over the emotional reasoning for staying down here simply to support her until she gives birth.
And, as I said, we don’t even know if it’s mine yet anyhow.
Plus, I’ve been thinking of spending 6 months home anyway before she gave me the pregnancy news.
I was thinking of doing it by Summer of 2022 time just to spend more time with family but who cares if I speed that up by 6 months?
And, on that note, I probably should spend more time with family before she gives birth in case it is mine.
If it is, I’ll definitely have less time to be home so I better do it now.
But that’s the idea.
I’ll probably spend the next 2 months with Jovi just to give her “some support” in terms of just being with her and checking up on how she is doing.
Developing a stronger connection so that, if the kid is mine, we can cooperate more easily knowing each other better for after she gives birth.
Because, as I said, we truly don’t know each other THAT WELL.
So I want to establish that groundwork of knowing each other better for the sake of us being able to raise the kid in better harmony where it’ll have a happier future.
I don’t want the kid seeing us fight and hit each other like I saw my parents.
And it’ll just make raising the kid together easier even if we don’t necessarily live together.
Then after those two months?
Move back to Iowa for 4 to 6 months working whatever the fuck I can to stack up cash NOW.
Then I absolutely want to be back before she goes into labor to see the kid come into this world.
From there?
Get the DNA test.
If it’s mine? We go forward raising it (living together or not).
If it’s not mine? Walk the fuck away.
"You Are Not the Father" compliation
Then from there?
Aim to get residency in Mexico officially so I can raise the kid better without having to leave every 6 months.
Take my online work more seriously.
Try to raise the kid properly.
Work out.
Probably establish some relationship with her parents and family.
So on and so forth.
Anyway, that’s all I got to say.
Major life changes!
If you have any comments (much appreciated, could use some), drop a comment below in the comment section.
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Thanks for reading.
Best regards,
Matt
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