Some odd years ago, I was living in Barranquilla, Colombia.
During those days, I was also studying at a nearby university called Universidad del Norte.
One day, I was walking along with some other American guy through the campus behind these random Colombian chicks.
All of a sudden, they stopped.
And began checking their phones.
Without any awareness of their surroundings or that there were people walking behind them.
Consequently, the American guy I was walking with accidentally bumped into one of them since their stop was so abrupt.
To which, after he apologized immediately, they started saying shit under their breath that I didn’t catch in the moment.
Though, in hindsight, I suppose it was probably them saying shit against the dude who bumped into them.
Cussing at him or something maybe.
Either way, we kept on walking but that sparked a mini conversation between us.
In which, among other Americans I have known over the years down here, it has become apparent how slow and deprived of any awareness of your surroundings that so many Latinos suffer from.
For me, it’s one of my higher things on the list that still piss me off to this day.
However, as of now, I do try to keep a cool temper about it but it never fails to amaze me how slow Latinos are when they walk.
Or how, as commonly, little sense of awareness of their surroundings that they seem to have.
And it could be most Latin countries that we are talking about!
The only country in Latin America where I noticed that this wasn’t as much of an issue was Argentina.
For all the shit I can say about Argentina, including this article I wrote here making fun of the Argentine arrogance, I can at least say that they aren’t retarded when it comes to something as basic as walking.
They got that going for them it seems.
And, of course, it seems like such a minor thing to gripe about.
“Seriously gringo – even the walking pisses you off here?!”
Look, it doesn’t piss me off that much anymore!
As I said, I do try to keep a solid head on it.
But there are still days that just blow my mind when it comes to how slow the people walk.
The other day, I was talking with a friend of mine named Blayde about this exact same issue.
it was almost like meeting my long lost twin….
Wow! Someone else who understands my pain and suffering!
Because, to be fair, it’s not always understood by everyone just how painfully slow the locals in Latin America can be seen walking.
Chicas Keeping Me Calm
The most obvious example would be an ex-girlfriend of mine named Brenda who was Mexican.
We were together for about a year.
She never had a problem with my walking speed.
Which, to be fair, how could she?
I walk normal, damn it!
It’s the Mexicans (and Colombians, Bolivians, Guatemalans) who walk like turtles!
And that’s what I always told her literally in Spanish – Mexico es un pais de tortugas!
She knew my frustrations well enough over the time we had together.
One time, while walking in Mexico, there was some old lady who stepped in front of us after exiting a building as we were walking.
She had absolutely no self-awareness that people were walking down the sidewalk and didn’t give a fuck about cutting us off.
And she just stood there!
Didn’t move after stepping in front of us.
Obviously didn’t look to see if anyone was coming down the sidewalk before deciding to take a step forward or not.
Like this bitch owned the place or something?
Consequently, I couldn’t hold myself back and said out loud "ya” as we had to step onto the street to get around her.
There was a “HUH?!!?” thrown out by her.
And we kept on walking.
My girlfriend, like she always would, squeezed my hand when she sensed that I was close to getting confrontational.
Which, to be fair, I almost never am – I do always prevent it from going that far usually.
But she was always worried that my more American confrontational approach to things would spark something.
And she ended up laughing soon enough afterwards at what I said out loud.
Anyway, we kept on moving.
Still, that moment only reaffirmed my long-held belief that I need a bat to hit people in the head with when they have no awareness of their surroundings and/or walk too slowly.
Other Mexican Gals
And, while she was fine walking at the pace I did, not every chick is!
It honestly depends on how tall they are, I find.
If a chick is shorter than 5’5, you got to walk a little slower.
It’s not uncommon for a date to say to me “caminas muy rapido!”
When, in all honesty, I don’t!
I’ve never had anyone remark as such to me when I lived in the US.
Or in England when I was there visiting a friend.
Or in Argentina.
But in countries like Mexico or Colombia?
Plenty of dates have such a gripe!
Though, as I said, it really depends on how tall they are.
Any woman who is at least 5’7 can walk faster than a turtle.
To Live in Mexico, One Must Be a Turtle
But you know what?
I’ve had my days trying to fit in with the locals!
Be it Mexico, Colombia or wherever else.
After all, you want to fit in with the local culture know?
Cultural assimilation and all that jazz.
So I tried!
One day, I tried walking like a Mexican.
I was on Paseo de la Reforma in Mexico City in which there were folks walking on both sides of me…
I chose to walk at the pace that they walked at.
And I was blown away.
It was stunning – how the fuck do people walk this slow?
It’s not even an exaggeration – how the fuck do they?
These limp dick midget ass motherfuckers walking so slow that you’d think their dad told them to get a switch to beat their ass with.
Richard Pryor -- Switches
I don’t get it.
Still, like I said, not every Mexican is a turtle.
Some are ducks.
Slightly faster than a turtle.
Or whatever the analogy needs to be there.
Some are eagles?
On a cactus?
The Rest of the Time Wasters?
Still, at this point in time, I don’t let it bother me as much.
The only reason I’m writing about it is because some random fat dude began walking in front of me at a very slow pace.
At this point, I have fun with it.
Where I start walking in a slow and exaggerated manner making fun of the little fucker behind his back.
Because, as I said, it’s unbelievable how slow some people walk down here.
So if you are going to live here, you might as well roll with it!
Even though it does waste time…
Time wasters and all that.
Initially, this article was going to be about “time wasters” in Latin America
People who seemingly waste your time a lot.
I was going to make it that way because I doubted that I could write a full article expressing my frustrations with how slow so many people in Latin America walk.
But I was wrong…
So here we are!
Therefore, I’ll just list out some of my other gripes with “time wasters” very quickly here because, in all honesty, they don’t deserve their own article or already got one from me.
First, you got the “mañana time” folks as I wrote about here. People showing up late to everything.
Second, you got folks at the little stores like OXXO who want to send money and take their sweet ass time giving out the information to send money.
There always seem to be one of these fuckers standing at the front of the line every time I go to an OXXO.
Just can't get a break from them, can I?
Third, you little fresa upper class cunts who spend forever holding up the line at stores and seem to go slow for no apparent reason.
Maybe to feel important due to making other people lose time out of their day due to them?
Fourth, you got old people.
These 90 year old dementia types who stand in front of a counter all day asking useless and endless amounts of questions to the employee.
The best example I have of that was when I was in Punta Arenas, Chile and this old grandma in a tourism agency place was asking A LOT of questions that had no importance.
Making small talk and even turning the conversation from the price of a tour to “you got kids? How are they?”
Meanwhile, she was looking at the line behind her with a shit eating grin going….
“JEJEJEJE JAJAJAJA JEJEJE JAJAJA SOY MUY IMPORTANTE, HAY MUCHA GENTE ESPERANDO JEJEJEJE JAJAJA JEJEJ JAJAJ”
I swear these dumb old cunts purposefully take as much time as possible to have as big of a line as possible waiting so that they can feel important.
The theory being that, with more people waiting, the more of an impact you have on more people whose time of day you are taking.
Being a very old person who is just as likely to drop dead from ass cancer in the next hour....
These old fucks want to make sure they feel as important as possible every second of the day because they know that they are close to being irrelevant the second they become fertilizer.
So, be it Chile or any other Latin country I’ve been to, they spend their sweet as time wasting the time of others outside by holding up lines asking useless and endless amount of questions.
Actually, now that I think about it, maybe I could make an article dedicated to the last group that I have a strong feud with.
But I’ll let it go.
Anyway, I really just wanted to bitch about the slow walkers of Latin America but those are the other “time wasters” as well.
If you have any comments or examples of your own “time wasters,” drop them below in the comment section.
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Thanks for reading.