All you need to know about Iberian America

How to Take a Shit in Latin America

Published August 3, 2020 in Personal Stories & Opinions - 0 Comments

I already hear what you are saying…

“What kind of bullshit article is this?”

Let me assure you now…

Learning how to take a shit in Latin America is a science in a way.

It’s complicated and requires a lot of explanation.

Of course, most people who have never been to Latin America assume you just shit in the toilet and flush the toilet paper…

Then you have the sheltered expats who haven’t seen much down here who live in their touristy bubbles…

And they are slightly more sophisticated in this topic than the people who have never been to Latin America…

In that they know that the toilet paper, in most areas of Latin America, is to not be flushed.

However, their knowledge is also quite lacking..

For you see, I was once one of these foreigners.

Who didn’t know how people take a shit down here..

Let me teach you the moment that I first learned how one takes a shit in Latin America…

A Sunny Day in La Roma

Stock photo of some chick in Roma Norte, CDMX

It was my first year living in Mexico City some years ago…

I was an inexperienced expat at the time.

I assumed that Mexico City was an amazing place where nothing inconvenient happens!

And as I leave Starbucks with a cup of black ice tea in hand…

The birds were chirping…

The sun was shining down on me and wishing me a happy day…

I had a date later that afternoon with a pretty hot chick named Stephanie.

Life was looking good.

What more could a man ask for?

The sun, the birds, iced tea, amazing places like Mexico City and hot Latina chicks…

Then, for whatever reason, I turned my head to the side…

And there it was…

A direct shot of a homeless woman’s pink stretched asshole.

Stock photo of some chick's ass -- more sexy than the homeless woman I saw and less shit too. 

She had bent down a tiny bit and poop was exiting her asshole for the whole world to see!

Or, better said, for me to see as I’m not sure who else saw it.

Now, keep in mind, that this woman took a shit right outside a public bathroom unit that she could have gone into in order to finish her business.

The door for it was wide open…

There was nobody inside…

There was nobody who was guarding it or no machine to make her pay a peso to use it…

All the while it had a toilet inside it.

A functioning toilet?

No idea.

But it looked like an available place to take a shit outside of in the damn street.

And at that moment, my dreams of living in Latin America were crushed.

I couldn’t take it anymore!

I tried to flee so I would never see such an image of someone’s shit exiting their asshole never again.

But the airline agent told me “no, gringo, no…you must suffer for the sins of your ancestors for they stole California from us!”

Well, shit…

Pun intended.

Either way, I didn’t actually try to leave obviously..

But it wasn’t the only time I saw someone take a shit in Latin America…

A Sunny Day in Reforma

 After many, many months of therapy for the PTSD inducing trauma of seeing shit exit someone’s asshole…

I, in a way, had recovered a bit from such trauma.

And was walking down Reforma Avenue going towards where the Angel of Independence statue is.

I was with a former Mexican girlfriend at the time holding hands…

Having a romantic day with her full of sunshine, happiness, birds and more!

Granted, a few minutes prior a street vendor was harassing me to buy his chocolate until I said no for the 20th time…

But that wasn’t going to ruin my day!

So as we kept walking as we had just enjoyed passing time in Bosque de Chapultepec…

A nice park by the way that I strongly recommend for anyone reading.

We are walking down this avenue when we see this homeless lady walk towards us.

She seems like a nice woman – no issue, no issue!

But she stops for a second and turns around where her back is facing me…

The second that I pass her by the side, she immediately shits out a bunch of diarrhea in my direction.

“Oh, fuck off!” I grunted as we kept walking.

My girlfriend squeezed my hand at the time as a way of saying “cmon now, don’t get into an argument with the shitting homeless lady….”

She started laughing a little bit about it a minute later as we kept walking and we forgot about it.

Thankfully, the diarrhea never actually hit me or anything but it is what it is.

And With Those Two Examples…

Perhaps now understand the science of taking a shit in Latin America.

It can be understood that one does not shit into a toilet down here.

No, no..

The true art of taking a shit down here for the experts..

Not for those pesky expats who have never left Condesa or Roma…

Is to make sure that you do it in public…

And that you do it in such a way that it annoys other people.

Be it by taking a shit in a perfectly available toilet that anyone could have used.

Or taking a shit into the general direction of those walking by.

For this reason, you must be scientific as to how you take your shits down here.

Because, if you do it right, you could maximize the amount of people you piss off.

Like, let’s say, a politician is being inaugurated as the next president of a country down here like in Mexico…

And you go into the middle of the crowd and take a shit with tons of people surrounding you.

Or you are stuck on the metro in Mexico City and the metro train isn’t moving along…

Stuck for whatever reason.

Perfect time to take a shit!

I mean, what are the other passengers going to do?

They can’t leave – train ain’t moving and the doors are closed.

Now they are stuck with the image and smell that many will have to endure over enough time living down here.

Serious Thoughts

Ok, so enough sarcasm and bullshit for a second..

Though those two stories listed above are true and did happen…

Keep in mind that it is obviously not common to see someone taking a shit in public.

But if you spend enough time down here…

Especially in touristy areas where homeless people might be also..

Then you will see it over time.

That or you come across a crazy homeless person on drugs or drunk doing crazy things…

Which is common enough…

Crazy things be like yelling at people…

Or assaulting people like I was here

Or perhaps taking a shit in public.

Who knows.

But it’s a topic I wanted to briefly cover, though in a more comedic sense given the nastiness of the topic…

Because it is something you might experience if you ever decide to be an expat in Latin America.

Human deficiation in the streets is more common down here in my experience than in the US.

And, as shared by someone I know who lives in Mexico, is this map down here.

Where apparently it’s more common than I thought.

Either way, it is what it is.

A gross topic but something to be aware of before taking the move to Latin America.

Thanks for reading.

Best regards,

Matt

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